Medications - March 2012

I have been on medications since 1998 and they definitely helped me.  At that time I was suicidal and was not living my life, I was hiding from people and all social events.  Waking up was the last thing I wanted to do.  To get out of bed and eat a bit of food could be the highlight of my days for me.  But with medication and cognitive behaviour therapy I started experiencing life and my depression was not so great.  I even enjoyed my life at times and started doing things I had not done in many years and things I thought I would never be able to do.  So I am not saying medications are not the way to go.

But after 13 years of being on meds I started hearing some disturbing stories about the side effects of them and I had started paying attention.  It was a time I was taking courses to become a peer support worker.  Class settings terrified me and I was not able to finish grade 11 because of this fear.  I have tried to go back to school, college, but once I walked into the school to register I froze, then leave the building.  But my desire to help people has me looking in the direction of social work so when I had the chance to take the courses to be a peer support worker I took it.  I knew, because the others in the class had mental health issues, I would feel safe and not be as negative on myself in the classes.

With the learning and meeting new people and not being terrified in class, it still was very difficult for me being in the class, but I was determined to stay and not bolt, I started to feel so much better and with that came the thought of tapering off my meds. My Psychiatrist and I have talked about it before and I knew I was ready.  It took me 4 months of tapering very very slowly and I started to feel better.  I started to taste food more, my smell was stronger, I started to remember my dreams, I slept less, and my sex drive came back. 

MOODS - wow I am so happy at times, laughing more than I ever have, enjoying life so much, but then I am so sad at times, very sad and I cry a lot.  It is like I am being who I am, my feelings are raw.  I am scared at times and wonder if I have to go back on medications.  I will never say I won't be on meds again.  But I also realize that my happy is not hyper like I used to get, blithering on and on, and never stopping, just having too much energy, and my sad was not suicidal, I do get out of bed and continue on with my life. 

I am going through another phase of my therapy and it has made me very sad.  I am dealing with the grieving of my father's death when I was 9 and all that went with it.  It is affecting my life right now in different ways.  Ways that I was not ready to deal with but know and want to deal with this with the help of my Psychiatrist.  All through therapy doors open up for me, most when I am ready, some when I am not, but this door is one I want to open up and figure it all out.

I am a fighter and will fight this and carry on with life more determined and stronger

Hope you enjoy your visit.